Monday, July 13, 2009

The Dark Side

I have been feeling very restless and uninspired. I don't know what it is...why I feel this way or how to change it. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of the struggle to find my authentic self. Maybe she is lost forever. Or ran away from it all and joined a gypsy caravan.

Sometimes I dream of fully unleashing my inner Wild Woman and doing something, anything, that would be considered out of character for me. Go on a road trip, para-sailing, dancing, sing karaoke, or skinny-dipping in the moonlight. Something that makes me feel alive!

I long to be free-spirited. Free from society's expectation and approval. Free from fear...of lack, failure, and worthiness. Free from debt, perfectionism, and unrealistic expectations.

Being the *good* girl and always playing it safe, is not all it's cracked up to be....


Mama Monique said...

Dear Tracy,

just want you to say that it is just if I am reading my own feelings on your blog. I really do know how you feel, I am on the same spot in my life as you are right now.

I also struggle with the same questions, the same answers are far far away.

I am trying to listen to my heart, not to the words in my head. Maybe that's also a little step for you to take or make? For me it started to talk about it with my husband, and the second step was to listen to my heart about my hair. You've seen the difference?

Wish you all the best. Try to be the one who is really, really within your heart, not to be the one others want you to be.

I know it's hard, but not too hard. Please try it, it's really worth the while.

the simple woman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

"Being the *good* girl and always playing it safe, is not all it's cracked up to be...."

Agreed. :-)

Don't give up on finding your authentic self, please.

And know, that even our authentic self, changes.

Nothing in the Universe is fully static. The 'you' you find today, may well not be the same 'you' which you find tomorrow. Just flow with it. Just allow yourself to flow... It will make all of this, so much easier. :-)

Have I asked you if you've read "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello? Probably have asked. It's not necessary to be 'swallowed whole.' Not totally full of stuff for all of us to follow, all the time. But he does throw out some interesting concepts, within which to pick and choose. IMHO, that is....

Aunt Amelia

A Stitch In Thyme said...

My dear friend, never let someone else's restraints stop you from being who or what in the moment you want to be. If your loyalty is to God, then carry on. He does not want us to be stuffy and unhappy. Just do something as simple as ... blowing bubbles with your child. Me and my 21 at the time year old son did this. I've gotten into kiddie pools with wee little one's, run through a stream with my husband, watch a silly movie just because I wanted different...

Go for it my friend. Go for it.

I often think so much is placed on be "authentic" that we forget authentic is NOT planning ahead and making sure we fit into society. It's taking our surroundings and letting OURSELVES become who we think we are.

Blessings, hugs & many bubbles your way.

sarah haliwell said...

I'll tell you the same thing I told a young girl this week - stop trying to find yourself. Stop thinking. Just be. It's there you'll find yourself - exactly where you are.

You aren't lost, you just need some more courage to express yourself fully and truly.

Dream yourself alive.

Kavindra said...

Oh boy, what are you doing here inside my mind? I'll go on that road trip with you in a second, I so think I know what you mean.

Thanks for the kick in the pants. I didn't know I felt this until I read your post. I gotta think about this a bit.

Debra said...

Totally know how you feel. The summer blahs are alive and well around my house, too.

One suggestion? Don't struggle to find your real self... just grow into it. Becoming your real self is a process and takes years and years because hey, we never stop growing. There's no one point along the way where we can say, "I've arrived! This is who I am." No, technically that's not possible because we never stand still. We're always changing, so all we can do is grow and learn and find inspiration daily.

At least, that's the way I see it. :)

Hang in there. This, too, shall pass and then everything will look good and bright again. I promise. Hugs, Debra

Anonymous said...

Just letting you know I am not upset or anything...just felt I needed to remove my comment. Peggy

Suzie the Foodie said...

I hear you! I know this feeling all too well. Am I domesticated because I am domestic? Just got to find a way to let the wild side out Tracy. You can do it without it because too crazy, at least at first.


Lady Laurie said...

Dear Tracy,
I understand this so well...
I love my role as a wife and mother, but I feel that Laurie got lost along the way.
I say go ahead and reach for the stars ! Do something outside the box ~ you can do this !

Brandi said...

your authentic girl is there-I promise. And I so know how this feels as I've been there.

I've found-as you said in your next post-that the growth comes in stages or layers. Maybe you are feeling this to prompt you to the next stage of understanding (I know usually prompted me to the next stage of understanding...)

many blessings to you-
(and thank you for supporting my blog with your badge!)

Penelope said...

These are the "dark nights of the soul"...when you feel doubts about life, where you are now, etc...maybe you wish you were more inspired by work, or you feel drained, or you wish life had more creative outlets, or you are going through a period of boredom, or doubtful about where your life is headed (you only live once, and you want to fulfill your biggest dreams, and some don't seem to be happening).

I've gotten them too, probably most people do. Unless you are in this pensive, doubtful mood, you don't get it when someone else has their "dark night of the soul" so you hubby didn't get it. (Mine didn't either...he thought I had a bad flu and wasn't my usual happy self, lol.

Hope all is well. Just remember, that feeling passes. We are ever changing, mood-dependant creatures, with lots of ups and downs.

mountainmama said...

have you read "women who run with the wolves"? that book has been so helpful for me! i love it so.

i think it's wonderful that you're getting in touch with all parts of yourself, even the ones you're not sure others would want to see. be true to yourself. it's scary for sure, and not everyone always gets it, but then it's wonderful to feel alive and connected! and that's what it's all about right? :)

mountainmama said...

your post also reminded me of one of my favorite songs, i want to be evil, by eartha kitt. this song always makes me chuckle and sigh, having spent my whole life trying to be "nice" and "good"

hope you enjoy!

Marisa said...

I am so with you. Your post has just mirrored what I've been feeling lately...that I just want to burst out and do something...anything...out of character for me. Even painting my toenails bright colors is liberating. I've started taking belly dance lessons a few weeks ago and I'm loving it. I was hesitant to go at first as I was going on my own without a pal for backup (I am extremely shy)but I soon got over it. I find I am still seeking other ways to break out as I too am getting tired of being the "good girl." Caution: Never ask your man for help with this, you may open up something you're not prepared to take!!!

Lille Diane said...

Thank you for being transparent. Being transparent is what helps other people realize they are "normal". :-) I am in search, too, of the care-free girl I used to be before an auto accident. I wonder if she is out there in that gypsy caravan running wild with "your" Wild Woman... Let's keep looking for us--OK?

Wouldn't it be utterly fun to leave a note on the kitchen counter telling everyone we ran away with the circus??? [insert huge smiley face here]