Thursday, February 05, 2009


I wear a coat of angels' breath and warm myself with His love. ~Emme Woodhull-Bache

I have always struggled with my concept of God. On one hand I longed for an intimate relationship with Him, but on the other hand I felt so unworthy of His loving care and kindness. I assumed any hardships in my life were punishments for not being good enough. My earthly father left and I was afraid God would leave me, too.

So I ran away.

The only problem is that you can't hide from the One who can see/hear/knows everything! I had to come to the end of myself. I had to surrender. Alfred played a key role in this decision. He is so great to talk to. Whereas I tend to complicate matters, he is straight-forward and believes in keeping things simple. I love that about him!

Now, I am in pursuit of God...
learning to walk by faith,
to trust and let go.

I am not interested in religion, but relationship. At this time we do not attend church and have no plans to do so. I don't believe church attendance is a requirement of having faith. For me, just being out in nature and seeing God's glorious handiwork is enough to make me want to worship Him.

So my journey has taken another turn. One chapter has ended, but a new one has begun. Life is full of changes, which is a good thing because if we're not growing and evolving we become stagnant. And I want to be free and flowing in this river of Life.


Lady Laurie said...

Dear Tracy,
I am so with you on this one. I have struggled for years, and have yet to find a church that I am comfortable with ~ I know people that attend church every Sunday and then seem to use that as a pass to do or act however they want the rest of the week.
I am much more content talking/praying to God in my own home and reading from the Bible then I would be in any church.
Sending Hugs))

Raggedy Girl said...

Faith in God is the key... all that we need is Jesus... but I love to go to church. Not as a "have to" but a "want to". I get my batteries recharged there. I sing praises to God with enough other voices so I sound good. I have friends there. They let me work in the "food" ministry! I don't think you have to go to church but it sure works for me. I so love your daily musings.
Roberta Anne

sarah said...

Dearest Tracy, many hugs to you on this journey. I too have been seeking - I actually "found" quite a while ago but it was hard for me to accept the unconventional ways in which God and Christos presented themselves to me. I so much wanted convention and belonging (eg, church and sunday school!) And so I was pulled back and forth quite bewilderingly. I kept thinking I could only be Christian or Wiccan. It is hard getting past that idea that the only way to have a relationship with God is the Religion way, through the Bible and church.

But God got through it for me.

Just know that S/he is right there beside you, right now. Any time you want to can reach over and take his hand.

Genie Sea said...

"I am not interested in religion, but relationship." Absolutely, RIGHT ON! :) You said it Tracy! Yes, you did. :)

Pamela said...

I have struggled with this, too. I also don't believe you have to go to church to worship God. I do, however, think it would be wonderful to find a church where people don't judge and set up man made rules that everyone must follow. It's great that we can talk about this here and express our views this way. A loving, respectful community.

I'm so happy for you that you're developing a closer relationship with Him. said...

I really struggled with finding a Church, and it has taken years and you know what, I feel like I've just found one.

I had my faith with or without a Church, but I do find constant encouragement and fellowship by going.

Jane said...


What a beautiful post today. I too struggled with God for years. I was raised Catholic and left it when I went to college. I was atheist for while. I was mad at God for a while because I thought he was punishing me for bad things I had done. I went through phases of checking out Buddhism and Sweat Lodges and a variety of other spiritual things. It wasn't until about 4 years ago that I realized it was always God who has been there for me. I just had to wander off for a little while to come back.

I haven't found a church yet but my faith is strong and I know the right place will come along.